Cloud

Depressing, that is what my blog is...depressing! I read the only few posts I've put on here and well that's what I came with at the end of reading everything. Unfortunately, I feel that I am still in that same spot from the previous blog...however, I have had some gains from all the pain and loneliness I have experienced. Found out that I am a co-dependent person which explains a lot of personal junk that I am going through and I really need to work on my emotional stability...like everyone needs to read that! (have trouble controlling them-always have-sounds like I'm a crazy but swear that I'm not!)

I was reading Cloud tonight and something he wrote hit me. He makes an analogy by using Luke 13:6-9 and applying it to our broken lives.

In this parable of Jesus, the owner of the tree expected fruit from his tree. When the tree bore no fruit for three years in a row, the owner was not only disappointed, he was furious. "Cut it down!" he ordered.

This is often what we do when we examine our own failures, our "fruitlessness" in light of reality. We look at ourselves (the tree), and we expect to be able to keep our marriages together, to raise perfect children, to make loyal friends, and to perform our work without error (the fruit). When we fail and then become depressed, fearful, or anxious (bad fruit), we cut ourselves down by saying, "I should be able to do that."...Like the tree owner, we want growth, but we judge ourselves quickly and harshly without taking the time to figure out the problems. We operate with truth and no grace...with disastrous results.

How incredibly true this is! This passage hit me hard like a ton of bricks because I do view myself in this manner and how much other people do to. We are human and we make mistakes but it makes me realize how incredibly broken we are! Incredibly broken!!!

I don't know what my point of this blog is exactly, but I felt like sharing this passage. I do have a lot on my mind right now, but don't quite ready to share. Time will tell...

New Year...

My New Year's resolution: to be happy and to be out of debt. For the past month I have been lonely. You would think that moving to a new state, a new city, making new friends wouldn't be lonely at all but it is. I come home to my thoughts and the things that I need...and that is where it begins. I would someday like to be comfortable with where I am at in life and I say that with all sincerity. I should take joy in all things regardless if they are bad, but I don't. Instead I have been living in my own cobwebs and my own disappointment. I'm disappointed in how I manage my money and I believe that I would be so much happier without being in so much debt. I'm disappointed in how much I depend on male relationships because I have felt in my whole life that I have been cheated by not receiving it in a healthy way. And now that I have...I'm very much afraid of losing it! I have forgotten what it means to be truly happy and being alive! That excitement and joy running through your veins. Embracing every breath! Instead I am trapped in my own reality-the logistics of it all...I'm a full time graduate student, a part-time line therapist, and a girl that is trying so hard to be optimistic about long distance relationships and only disappointment and loneliness is what kills her deeply. I would like to say that tomorrow is a new day, but to believe that in its entirety is hard. I guess all I can say is what happens tomorrow is what tomorrow brings and I need to take as is. But there is hope in all of this though...I just don't know what that hope is yet.