Cloud

Depressing, that is what my blog is...depressing! I read the only few posts I've put on here and well that's what I came with at the end of reading everything. Unfortunately, I feel that I am still in that same spot from the previous blog...however, I have had some gains from all the pain and loneliness I have experienced. Found out that I am a co-dependent person which explains a lot of personal junk that I am going through and I really need to work on my emotional stability...like everyone needs to read that! (have trouble controlling them-always have-sounds like I'm a crazy but swear that I'm not!)

I was reading Cloud tonight and something he wrote hit me. He makes an analogy by using Luke 13:6-9 and applying it to our broken lives.

In this parable of Jesus, the owner of the tree expected fruit from his tree. When the tree bore no fruit for three years in a row, the owner was not only disappointed, he was furious. "Cut it down!" he ordered.

This is often what we do when we examine our own failures, our "fruitlessness" in light of reality. We look at ourselves (the tree), and we expect to be able to keep our marriages together, to raise perfect children, to make loyal friends, and to perform our work without error (the fruit). When we fail and then become depressed, fearful, or anxious (bad fruit), we cut ourselves down by saying, "I should be able to do that."...Like the tree owner, we want growth, but we judge ourselves quickly and harshly without taking the time to figure out the problems. We operate with truth and no grace...with disastrous results.

How incredibly true this is! This passage hit me hard like a ton of bricks because I do view myself in this manner and how much other people do to. We are human and we make mistakes but it makes me realize how incredibly broken we are! Incredibly broken!!!

I don't know what my point of this blog is exactly, but I felt like sharing this passage. I do have a lot on my mind right now, but don't quite ready to share. Time will tell...

New Year...

My New Year's resolution: to be happy and to be out of debt. For the past month I have been lonely. You would think that moving to a new state, a new city, making new friends wouldn't be lonely at all but it is. I come home to my thoughts and the things that I need...and that is where it begins. I would someday like to be comfortable with where I am at in life and I say that with all sincerity. I should take joy in all things regardless if they are bad, but I don't. Instead I have been living in my own cobwebs and my own disappointment. I'm disappointed in how I manage my money and I believe that I would be so much happier without being in so much debt. I'm disappointed in how much I depend on male relationships because I have felt in my whole life that I have been cheated by not receiving it in a healthy way. And now that I have...I'm very much afraid of losing it! I have forgotten what it means to be truly happy and being alive! That excitement and joy running through your veins. Embracing every breath! Instead I am trapped in my own reality-the logistics of it all...I'm a full time graduate student, a part-time line therapist, and a girl that is trying so hard to be optimistic about long distance relationships and only disappointment and loneliness is what kills her deeply. I would like to say that tomorrow is a new day, but to believe that in its entirety is hard. I guess all I can say is what happens tomorrow is what tomorrow brings and I need to take as is. But there is hope in all of this though...I just don't know what that hope is yet.

why care?

So I think I have officially spent the last three months crying...literally!

I thought moving to South Carolina would be a place filled with adventure, not a place filled with pain and dealing with it. I know God directed me down here for a reason and that is to grow in the midst of all the crap that I have gone through and recognize what are healthy relationships.

I have been believing what are healthy relationships for me are not healthy by any means. It has been almost six months since I haven't spoken a word to my dad. That in it itself has been...very painful. The situation with my dad made me recognize what other relationships were not healthy which I can think of another. A person that I was very physical with in the past. We started dating early of last summer and things were good, until two weeks later he said that we should be just friends...after all of a sudden the phone calls and texts stopped. Awesome! Well we still hung out but we were still physical...and then had these ups and downs that he couldn't promise me a full relationship because he had a son on the way...so I thought I would support him by giving him the encouragement he needs...so things started to go right for once and the desire to hang out and try to see each other was there...up until the beginning of the next summer...the story of our relationship was that he would never really tell me anything so I just assumed and asked a lot of questions which kind of made him upset...so i thought the last question i asked did for him...which made me upset...then i moved on and found an amazing person and are actually in a healthy relationship! which i have to say is very strange for me because of my past...

well a few months ago this guy that decided not to be friends anymore...i ended up texting because i just wanted to wish him the best of luck with everything and have closure since the ending of our relationship wasn't the greatest of ending it...some bad things were said...well sure enough he texts me back and says that he was going to actually get a hold of me...well sure enough he explains his situation and tells me that he made the biggest mistake by letting me go and should of known better...after texting and calling each other...we have been actually for once started to really to get to know each other...he says that he wishes i was back home...but a couple of days later...i find out that he has a girlfriend...which makes me upset and the ultimate question is why should i care? really why should i care? i'm with someone that treats me so well, listens to me, and knows what i enjoy and dislike...i never got that with the guy with the ugly past...

so why do i care???

Eh...

So I am exhausted and had fun with my friend Sarah tonight! Everything was fine and dandy until I started homework...and shit starting resurfing again. Thanks dad! I am sick of dealing with this loss and it will take me a long time to get over because the pain still has yet to subside. Everyone says that I can process with them, but it doesn't do much help. I keep wondering how Christmas is going to go when I am home. All I know it should be interesting and there is still going to be a lot of hurt and pain.

I'm not sure about how each day goes now these days...I know I am not Bipolar because I have not met any requirements of it in the DSM-IV, but I am tired of all of the stress, pressure, and pain I have been going through these past three months. I am sick of it and wearing down so thin. My mom tells me that I am only human and yes I am human...was has troubling breathing. I feel like I have been suffocated by all this crap surrounding me and its hard to breathe feeling so emotional and incapable of getting through it all which part of it I like to thank my anxiety.

I don't know where I am going with this but all I know my mood right now is to crawl up in a ball and cry. And that's another part of me that I am tired of is crying consistently! It's a normal thing I am going through...work...grad school...social life...working out...etc. But does it have to be so hard? I'm tired, exhausted, worn out...

Starbucks...

So I'm sitting in at a table at Starbucks, minding my own business when this nice gentleman catches my eye. It is obivious that something is wrong with him, he's blind. As he tries to find a table to sit at...which now he is sitting directly across of me...I just can't help but think. I don't know if it's because I could of quite possibily in his shoes today if my eye sight didn't get better or if it's because he is sitting alone. I couldn't help but think and come up with many questions. I would like to go over and strike up a conversation, but am I only doing out of self pity because I feel bad or because I truly want to and want to know more about his life story. I'm so filled with different emotions, particularly today.

Prior to me coming at Starbucks, I worked this morning-totally not feeling well. Tried taking a nap but was totally irritable because the other tenant is working on the garage and on outside making a bunch of noise. Wanting to go to church but currently feeling very different towards my friend that I want to go with. Followed them to church and then lost them with no consideration that I was following them-which ended up hurting my feelings-so I ended up not going part of it was because we were late to church and parking was absolute hell-so I thought fuck this I'm leaving-which I did. I have been in this mood where I just don't want to be in South Carolina anymoer and just want to move back home but I know I can't because I would be taking the easy way out in escaping my own problems that I need to work through. So as you can tell-I'm irritable, sad, lonely, angry, stressed, etc. Thus, is why I'm here at Starbucks venting out my feelings while doing something productive (which is my defense mechanism in handling stress).

So now I'm here, having a quite difficult time concentrating because this incredibly sweet looking man is sitting across from me...and all I do is want to talk to him because he's by himself. I would love to but don't want to come across strange or scare the wits out of him. Thinking to myself and being the selfish person I am wondering what if my eyesight didn't get better-would I care? Would I act differently? I think most definately so, but I feel like with the images that I have seen-for the first time-I could really care less of God took my eyesight away from me. I've managed it before.

It just disturbs me how this nice gentlemen is sitting across from me all alone. It makes me think of what is his family like? Does he have girlfriend? How does he manage to get around Columbia? Questions consistently just keep coming. As I look around the room, people are constanatly scanning the room and I know are looking at him because he's different. Are they thinking what I am thinking? I don't know...it's just disturbing.

I know God is good and what not...and I don't know where I am going with this but I think about what Jesus would be conversing to this gentleman about. I don't know why I thought about this but just did. I really want to go over and talk to him-but I think it would be out of my own selfish ambition to or would it be my self ambition to not to?

A Step to Gain

So I have been listening to Ryan Adams consistently. It's something about his rusty voice and honesty that gets me. Today, I told my group in Personal and Spiritual Class about the difficulty its been with lossing a dad. One girl said its a matter of truly getting rid of the situation and that provides true growth to happen. Another girl said to try to look at my dad through God's eyes. I question that second statement because first, I am not God and I do not know how God sees my dad, and second, he's hurt me so much that I don't know if I can look at him through like that. I know many girls that have grown up with an abusive father or not even a father at all...but it still doesn't change the underlying theme that carries through each of us...we grew up with either no father or a father that has hurt us terribly-physically, emotionally, socially, etc.

But that one statement still sticks with me...once you have given up to this situation with my dad...you can truly move on with life. I know I need to be trusting in God in everything! But I find such a hard timein doing that lately. I don't know why that is...but what I need to consistently remind myself is that to die this worldy life I live in...I will gain it through Him! He gives us strength when we are weak! I need to rely on Him more and more everyday.

So I am going to try to do something about it tonight and read my Bible for the first time and truly pray. I haven't done this in a month and feel like I need to do this even when I completely do not feel like it. Please pray.

In His love and Grace,
Ash

Love Is Hell album by Ryan Adams

Love Is Hell album by Ryan Adams

Shared via AddThis