Passiveness…(written last night)

All I wanted to do today is cry and cry. I had a very hard time getting to sleep last night due to all the emotions I was feeling and teh feelings I had toward some men in my life. I just recently have stopped speaking to my dad due to some issues that I had with him. Throughout my life, I have never felt once truly loved by him as how a father should love his daughter. A daughter should be able to run to her daddy with an issue and not feel discouraged about conveying her feelings in the process or being able to ask for help and recieving it unconditionally. All of the passiveness I have recieved throughout my life from him has effected any sort of relationship that I hold with any other person who happnes to be male.
Many of my friends who know me very, very well, know I struggle with any sort of male relationship with it be just a mere friendship or romanitc relationship. I have a very compassionate heart and love to give and give which entails part of my heart and hoping to feel some sort of love in return. Thus, explains my relationship with my father. I have tried to give, tried to have a close relationship with him, and to hope that I can feel some sort of love in return. I feel to this day that it hasn't come yet. It's a very hard and struggling issue in my life and most people try to understand it but they don't because of how important it is to me. I just want to feel love by a male figure.
In many relationships that I have had have ended up pretty bad because I was giving so much of part of me that I didn't get anything back in return. It is very hard for me to guard my heart because I am a very vulnerable person and just want to feel loved. As being a part of the Christian world, we always say that we should focus more on the uncondtional love from god than on human love because it will never suffice. I agree with that, but I still struggle with feeling loved my someone. There are times where I am fine with it and focus on God's love, but there are days like today where I just struggle witht he abandonment of it. When this happens, I don't want to be near someone of the opposite sex just because of the hurt I have dealt with and still dealing with. It's been very emotional and mentally challenging for me. Last night I wanted to text this particular person who has hurt me a lot and has taken a part of me away with him. Eventhough, I knew it was the most unrealistic thing to do at the moment, I wanted to do it. the good thing is I didn't, but it was still that desire to. Everyone has told me to seek a counselor in dealing with this partiuclar issue, but I just go through spurts of feelings of mixed emotion. I feel mad, sad, hurt, frustrated, and the list continues on.
Someday I hope and wish to overcome this ridiculous battle. I will never forget this that someone tolde me, Ashley...you are the good girl who deserves to be with a good guy...you are too sweet, nice, and open-minded. I hope that day comes...

Puzzle Pieces Finally Making a Picture

After all the chaotic craziness that has been going on...I finally have the time to write. I have been EXTREMELY BUSY!!!! I haven't had the time just to talk with people. As for classes, they are amazing! I'm a little bit nervous about counseling techniques, but I think that class will help me grow.

I have been able to meet some new people since being here. For example: the Psalters! I had such a wonderful time meeting them and getting to know some of their stories! If any of you don't know who the Psalters are...they are a Christian tribal band. Not you typical day to age music...but they are wonderful muscians and wonderful people! Love them a lot!

As of my apartment, things are getting fixed! My A/C works now. Had a bunch of ants and other little creatures making homes in my box oustide of the garage, then once we turned the A/C on...well you can only imagine...those lil ants and creatures got burnt and died....thus creating electrical problems...thus A/C not working. Thank God for Bruce who is the gentleman who lives in the house next to me (I live on top of his garage.).

Other than that, just trying to accomodate living in the South. It is a very different world than living in Iowa that is for sure! You have to dress up to go out to eat, can't call soda pop, etc. Oh and I already have an accent starting to develop...had someone tell me that already. Crazy!!!

Well I need to start going...have some reading to do! Oh the reading (there's a lot of it and I'm already behind, but God is good and I know he will help get through it)!

Much love!

Moving to a New Place

So moving to Columbia has been quite interesting to say the least! Speeding to get down here to my A/C in my apartment not working to not being able to sign up for classes due to a hold on my account to missing people back home. It has been quite an adventure thus far in the matter of my four days of being here! And also has been quite an emotional one too, but I know God will help me through it! I feel like I need to be trusting in Him more and more, and feel like I truly haven't been.

I have had so many thoughts in my mind that make me think, do I really want to be doing this? Am I cut out for being a Marriage and Family therapist? Will I be able to find a job quick? I ask these questions because a lot of it is deriving out of what I am currently going through in my life. I've told many of my friends that I should/do not need to be any sort of romantic relationship with anyone at the moment because I need to be making an effort on healing my heart by myself with God, and look at me now...I sort of have this thing with a boy from home and yet acting silly because in my head I feel like this long distance thing is gonna work when I don't know if it will...and he isn't a live out my life for Christ Christian where as I try to be and he said to me he wants to work on that...so what am I suppose to do? I can only make an impression on him, but cannot change his heart because God has to do that! Or am I being totally stupid for thinking of any of these?! Part of me thinks I am being totally and utterly stupid in even thinking things are going to work out and the other part of me thinks, "hey, maybe I can make an impression on him and pray that God works through his heart." I hate my mind sometimes...and that I'm boy crazy! ha! and yet I want to work with people with marraige and family problems when I have relationship problems with myself! I am hoping that my Personal and Spiritual Development class helps me out with this! I am just frustrated with myself at the moment along with other things! And I don't want this blog to be about me complaining with what's wrong in my life, but with what is happening in my life and this just happens to be what's going on....awesome first blog huh? haha

On a different note, I am all moved in my apartment and LOVE the fact I am right across the street from my best friend and spiritual mentor! I seriously would be freaking out if it wasn't for her! I just wish my A/C would work properly...if anyone knows about the South...it gets HOT! So that's one prayer request I would love to have someone pray for along with finding a job too! That's the goal for this week! Finding me a job...

Well am off to go to Midtown and looking forward to the message tonight!

Much love and grace!