Passiveness…(written last night)

All I wanted to do today is cry and cry. I had a very hard time getting to sleep last night due to all the emotions I was feeling and teh feelings I had toward some men in my life. I just recently have stopped speaking to my dad due to some issues that I had with him. Throughout my life, I have never felt once truly loved by him as how a father should love his daughter. A daughter should be able to run to her daddy with an issue and not feel discouraged about conveying her feelings in the process or being able to ask for help and recieving it unconditionally. All of the passiveness I have recieved throughout my life from him has effected any sort of relationship that I hold with any other person who happnes to be male.
Many of my friends who know me very, very well, know I struggle with any sort of male relationship with it be just a mere friendship or romanitc relationship. I have a very compassionate heart and love to give and give which entails part of my heart and hoping to feel some sort of love in return. Thus, explains my relationship with my father. I have tried to give, tried to have a close relationship with him, and to hope that I can feel some sort of love in return. I feel to this day that it hasn't come yet. It's a very hard and struggling issue in my life and most people try to understand it but they don't because of how important it is to me. I just want to feel love by a male figure.
In many relationships that I have had have ended up pretty bad because I was giving so much of part of me that I didn't get anything back in return. It is very hard for me to guard my heart because I am a very vulnerable person and just want to feel loved. As being a part of the Christian world, we always say that we should focus more on the uncondtional love from god than on human love because it will never suffice. I agree with that, but I still struggle with feeling loved my someone. There are times where I am fine with it and focus on God's love, but there are days like today where I just struggle witht he abandonment of it. When this happens, I don't want to be near someone of the opposite sex just because of the hurt I have dealt with and still dealing with. It's been very emotional and mentally challenging for me. Last night I wanted to text this particular person who has hurt me a lot and has taken a part of me away with him. Eventhough, I knew it was the most unrealistic thing to do at the moment, I wanted to do it. the good thing is I didn't, but it was still that desire to. Everyone has told me to seek a counselor in dealing with this partiuclar issue, but I just go through spurts of feelings of mixed emotion. I feel mad, sad, hurt, frustrated, and the list continues on.
Someday I hope and wish to overcome this ridiculous battle. I will never forget this that someone tolde me, Ashley...you are the good girl who deserves to be with a good guy...you are too sweet, nice, and open-minded. I hope that day comes...