why care?

So I think I have officially spent the last three months crying...literally!

I thought moving to South Carolina would be a place filled with adventure, not a place filled with pain and dealing with it. I know God directed me down here for a reason and that is to grow in the midst of all the crap that I have gone through and recognize what are healthy relationships.

I have been believing what are healthy relationships for me are not healthy by any means. It has been almost six months since I haven't spoken a word to my dad. That in it itself has been...very painful. The situation with my dad made me recognize what other relationships were not healthy which I can think of another. A person that I was very physical with in the past. We started dating early of last summer and things were good, until two weeks later he said that we should be just friends...after all of a sudden the phone calls and texts stopped. Awesome! Well we still hung out but we were still physical...and then had these ups and downs that he couldn't promise me a full relationship because he had a son on the way...so I thought I would support him by giving him the encouragement he needs...so things started to go right for once and the desire to hang out and try to see each other was there...up until the beginning of the next summer...the story of our relationship was that he would never really tell me anything so I just assumed and asked a lot of questions which kind of made him upset...so i thought the last question i asked did for him...which made me upset...then i moved on and found an amazing person and are actually in a healthy relationship! which i have to say is very strange for me because of my past...

well a few months ago this guy that decided not to be friends anymore...i ended up texting because i just wanted to wish him the best of luck with everything and have closure since the ending of our relationship wasn't the greatest of ending it...some bad things were said...well sure enough he texts me back and says that he was going to actually get a hold of me...well sure enough he explains his situation and tells me that he made the biggest mistake by letting me go and should of known better...after texting and calling each other...we have been actually for once started to really to get to know each other...he says that he wishes i was back home...but a couple of days later...i find out that he has a girlfriend...which makes me upset and the ultimate question is why should i care? really why should i care? i'm with someone that treats me so well, listens to me, and knows what i enjoy and dislike...i never got that with the guy with the ugly past...

so why do i care???

Eh...

So I am exhausted and had fun with my friend Sarah tonight! Everything was fine and dandy until I started homework...and shit starting resurfing again. Thanks dad! I am sick of dealing with this loss and it will take me a long time to get over because the pain still has yet to subside. Everyone says that I can process with them, but it doesn't do much help. I keep wondering how Christmas is going to go when I am home. All I know it should be interesting and there is still going to be a lot of hurt and pain.

I'm not sure about how each day goes now these days...I know I am not Bipolar because I have not met any requirements of it in the DSM-IV, but I am tired of all of the stress, pressure, and pain I have been going through these past three months. I am sick of it and wearing down so thin. My mom tells me that I am only human and yes I am human...was has troubling breathing. I feel like I have been suffocated by all this crap surrounding me and its hard to breathe feeling so emotional and incapable of getting through it all which part of it I like to thank my anxiety.

I don't know where I am going with this but all I know my mood right now is to crawl up in a ball and cry. And that's another part of me that I am tired of is crying consistently! It's a normal thing I am going through...work...grad school...social life...working out...etc. But does it have to be so hard? I'm tired, exhausted, worn out...

Starbucks...

So I'm sitting in at a table at Starbucks, minding my own business when this nice gentleman catches my eye. It is obivious that something is wrong with him, he's blind. As he tries to find a table to sit at...which now he is sitting directly across of me...I just can't help but think. I don't know if it's because I could of quite possibily in his shoes today if my eye sight didn't get better or if it's because he is sitting alone. I couldn't help but think and come up with many questions. I would like to go over and strike up a conversation, but am I only doing out of self pity because I feel bad or because I truly want to and want to know more about his life story. I'm so filled with different emotions, particularly today.

Prior to me coming at Starbucks, I worked this morning-totally not feeling well. Tried taking a nap but was totally irritable because the other tenant is working on the garage and on outside making a bunch of noise. Wanting to go to church but currently feeling very different towards my friend that I want to go with. Followed them to church and then lost them with no consideration that I was following them-which ended up hurting my feelings-so I ended up not going part of it was because we were late to church and parking was absolute hell-so I thought fuck this I'm leaving-which I did. I have been in this mood where I just don't want to be in South Carolina anymoer and just want to move back home but I know I can't because I would be taking the easy way out in escaping my own problems that I need to work through. So as you can tell-I'm irritable, sad, lonely, angry, stressed, etc. Thus, is why I'm here at Starbucks venting out my feelings while doing something productive (which is my defense mechanism in handling stress).

So now I'm here, having a quite difficult time concentrating because this incredibly sweet looking man is sitting across from me...and all I do is want to talk to him because he's by himself. I would love to but don't want to come across strange or scare the wits out of him. Thinking to myself and being the selfish person I am wondering what if my eyesight didn't get better-would I care? Would I act differently? I think most definately so, but I feel like with the images that I have seen-for the first time-I could really care less of God took my eyesight away from me. I've managed it before.

It just disturbs me how this nice gentlemen is sitting across from me all alone. It makes me think of what is his family like? Does he have girlfriend? How does he manage to get around Columbia? Questions consistently just keep coming. As I look around the room, people are constanatly scanning the room and I know are looking at him because he's different. Are they thinking what I am thinking? I don't know...it's just disturbing.

I know God is good and what not...and I don't know where I am going with this but I think about what Jesus would be conversing to this gentleman about. I don't know why I thought about this but just did. I really want to go over and talk to him-but I think it would be out of my own selfish ambition to or would it be my self ambition to not to?

A Step to Gain

So I have been listening to Ryan Adams consistently. It's something about his rusty voice and honesty that gets me. Today, I told my group in Personal and Spiritual Class about the difficulty its been with lossing a dad. One girl said its a matter of truly getting rid of the situation and that provides true growth to happen. Another girl said to try to look at my dad through God's eyes. I question that second statement because first, I am not God and I do not know how God sees my dad, and second, he's hurt me so much that I don't know if I can look at him through like that. I know many girls that have grown up with an abusive father or not even a father at all...but it still doesn't change the underlying theme that carries through each of us...we grew up with either no father or a father that has hurt us terribly-physically, emotionally, socially, etc.

But that one statement still sticks with me...once you have given up to this situation with my dad...you can truly move on with life. I know I need to be trusting in God in everything! But I find such a hard timein doing that lately. I don't know why that is...but what I need to consistently remind myself is that to die this worldy life I live in...I will gain it through Him! He gives us strength when we are weak! I need to rely on Him more and more everyday.

So I am going to try to do something about it tonight and read my Bible for the first time and truly pray. I haven't done this in a month and feel like I need to do this even when I completely do not feel like it. Please pray.

In His love and Grace,
Ash

Love Is Hell album by Ryan Adams

Love Is Hell album by Ryan Adams

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Process of Moving Forward and Dealing with the Past...

So this week has been extremely difficult for me. I am through this weird time of my life and part of it is me missing people back home, particularly leah, annie, and josh. I miss them a ton and I really want to make a trip to Nashville next month to visit Josh, but we are also needing to talk about how things are with our relationship (eventhough it doesn't have an official name on it yet). I miss him a lot and is the first guy that has treated me so well and it's crazy how much we have in common. On a much different note...I have been needing some closure from a past relationship for quite of bit of time and feel like its coming together.
I contacted him the other night and just wished him the best of luck. To my suprise, he actually wanted to talk to me about things. I was in utter shock that this was even happening and I say this because I was not treated well by any means in this little tiff that we were in. I feel like I can actually move on by talking about how things ended and just getting things ended in a positive direction. I have a difficult time with leaving relationships behind in a negative way. I don't feel comfortable with it until it gets ended correctly. There were some bad and harsh words exchanged in our last conversation about two months ago and haven't talked to him since then until the other night. So I'm hoping things go well when we do get the chance to talk which we haven't had the time to do that yet. So its been hard dealing with things of the past and trying to get them straight before I can truly move on in the future. Which makes me think about how things ended with my dad because they didn't end very well either.
I'm trying so hard to enjoy my time here in Columbia, but it has been difficult with what's been on my mind lately and trying to move on from these ugly things that have happened in my past.
I don't know what this blog entry is intended for but I think just to write out what I am feeling at the moment. Basically, missing people from home and trying to get the ugly stuff worked out. blah...

Passiveness…(written last night)

All I wanted to do today is cry and cry. I had a very hard time getting to sleep last night due to all the emotions I was feeling and teh feelings I had toward some men in my life. I just recently have stopped speaking to my dad due to some issues that I had with him. Throughout my life, I have never felt once truly loved by him as how a father should love his daughter. A daughter should be able to run to her daddy with an issue and not feel discouraged about conveying her feelings in the process or being able to ask for help and recieving it unconditionally. All of the passiveness I have recieved throughout my life from him has effected any sort of relationship that I hold with any other person who happnes to be male.
Many of my friends who know me very, very well, know I struggle with any sort of male relationship with it be just a mere friendship or romanitc relationship. I have a very compassionate heart and love to give and give which entails part of my heart and hoping to feel some sort of love in return. Thus, explains my relationship with my father. I have tried to give, tried to have a close relationship with him, and to hope that I can feel some sort of love in return. I feel to this day that it hasn't come yet. It's a very hard and struggling issue in my life and most people try to understand it but they don't because of how important it is to me. I just want to feel love by a male figure.
In many relationships that I have had have ended up pretty bad because I was giving so much of part of me that I didn't get anything back in return. It is very hard for me to guard my heart because I am a very vulnerable person and just want to feel loved. As being a part of the Christian world, we always say that we should focus more on the uncondtional love from god than on human love because it will never suffice. I agree with that, but I still struggle with feeling loved my someone. There are times where I am fine with it and focus on God's love, but there are days like today where I just struggle witht he abandonment of it. When this happens, I don't want to be near someone of the opposite sex just because of the hurt I have dealt with and still dealing with. It's been very emotional and mentally challenging for me. Last night I wanted to text this particular person who has hurt me a lot and has taken a part of me away with him. Eventhough, I knew it was the most unrealistic thing to do at the moment, I wanted to do it. the good thing is I didn't, but it was still that desire to. Everyone has told me to seek a counselor in dealing with this partiuclar issue, but I just go through spurts of feelings of mixed emotion. I feel mad, sad, hurt, frustrated, and the list continues on.
Someday I hope and wish to overcome this ridiculous battle. I will never forget this that someone tolde me, Ashley...you are the good girl who deserves to be with a good guy...you are too sweet, nice, and open-minded. I hope that day comes...

Puzzle Pieces Finally Making a Picture

After all the chaotic craziness that has been going on...I finally have the time to write. I have been EXTREMELY BUSY!!!! I haven't had the time just to talk with people. As for classes, they are amazing! I'm a little bit nervous about counseling techniques, but I think that class will help me grow.

I have been able to meet some new people since being here. For example: the Psalters! I had such a wonderful time meeting them and getting to know some of their stories! If any of you don't know who the Psalters are...they are a Christian tribal band. Not you typical day to age music...but they are wonderful muscians and wonderful people! Love them a lot!

As of my apartment, things are getting fixed! My A/C works now. Had a bunch of ants and other little creatures making homes in my box oustide of the garage, then once we turned the A/C on...well you can only imagine...those lil ants and creatures got burnt and died....thus creating electrical problems...thus A/C not working. Thank God for Bruce who is the gentleman who lives in the house next to me (I live on top of his garage.).

Other than that, just trying to accomodate living in the South. It is a very different world than living in Iowa that is for sure! You have to dress up to go out to eat, can't call soda pop, etc. Oh and I already have an accent starting to develop...had someone tell me that already. Crazy!!!

Well I need to start going...have some reading to do! Oh the reading (there's a lot of it and I'm already behind, but God is good and I know he will help get through it)!

Much love!

Moving to a New Place

So moving to Columbia has been quite interesting to say the least! Speeding to get down here to my A/C in my apartment not working to not being able to sign up for classes due to a hold on my account to missing people back home. It has been quite an adventure thus far in the matter of my four days of being here! And also has been quite an emotional one too, but I know God will help me through it! I feel like I need to be trusting in Him more and more, and feel like I truly haven't been.

I have had so many thoughts in my mind that make me think, do I really want to be doing this? Am I cut out for being a Marriage and Family therapist? Will I be able to find a job quick? I ask these questions because a lot of it is deriving out of what I am currently going through in my life. I've told many of my friends that I should/do not need to be any sort of romantic relationship with anyone at the moment because I need to be making an effort on healing my heart by myself with God, and look at me now...I sort of have this thing with a boy from home and yet acting silly because in my head I feel like this long distance thing is gonna work when I don't know if it will...and he isn't a live out my life for Christ Christian where as I try to be and he said to me he wants to work on that...so what am I suppose to do? I can only make an impression on him, but cannot change his heart because God has to do that! Or am I being totally stupid for thinking of any of these?! Part of me thinks I am being totally and utterly stupid in even thinking things are going to work out and the other part of me thinks, "hey, maybe I can make an impression on him and pray that God works through his heart." I hate my mind sometimes...and that I'm boy crazy! ha! and yet I want to work with people with marraige and family problems when I have relationship problems with myself! I am hoping that my Personal and Spiritual Development class helps me out with this! I am just frustrated with myself at the moment along with other things! And I don't want this blog to be about me complaining with what's wrong in my life, but with what is happening in my life and this just happens to be what's going on....awesome first blog huh? haha

On a different note, I am all moved in my apartment and LOVE the fact I am right across the street from my best friend and spiritual mentor! I seriously would be freaking out if it wasn't for her! I just wish my A/C would work properly...if anyone knows about the South...it gets HOT! So that's one prayer request I would love to have someone pray for along with finding a job too! That's the goal for this week! Finding me a job...

Well am off to go to Midtown and looking forward to the message tonight!

Much love and grace!